Triple B, Series 1, Round 1

I know! I know! You're asking yourself, "What the WTF is Triple B". Well! See, it stands for Brutal Ballista Brawls and I created it! How so? Well, that's another great question! See, with all these people nagging me to make a post and me asking, "What would you like to read about?" and them saying, "ME!" I thought "Boy! I sure wish there was some way I could just smash in all their faces and watch them writhe about in pain..." And so as I imagined the awesome gorrific details in my head I thought...thats it! I'll write about that! And hence Triple B was born.

I also figured, since a lot of people make me angry (well, not angry really...I'm just a mean, evil person) I could make this a regular thing! After all, other peoples misery (fictional or not) is always entertaining to those not affected!

So! Without further ado, let's join our two Triple B Annoucers Jim and Bob for the action!

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Bob >> Welcome Ladies, Gentlemen and Galka's from all walks of Vana'diel to the first ever Brutal Ballista Brawl showcase! We've got a hell of a list of Adventurer's in todays line up! From top of the line Relic Wielder, to bottom of the barrel Dancers no one has ever heard of! And today, they're going to lay it all on the line for...well our entertainment!

Jim >> And the best part is, they don't really have much of a choice!

Bob >> That's right Jim! So, why don't we take a look at our Adventurer's in todays match?

Jim >> In Round One, we have Four Matches; Match A consists of a hotshot Paladin from San d'Oria! He's a local from way down south someplace, who enjoys long strolls through the pasture and spending qaulity time with the 'family'.

Bob >> Oh, I bet he does! Izman is one hell of a tank, but will he be able to outlast his opponent? A daring, charming young Mithran Dancer from Windurst! Shrew! She's recently traded in her Elemental Staves for a pair of Dance shoes! We'll see how she fairs against the veteran Tin Can from Sandy!

Jim >> Match B has an interesting setup! From the far far away lands of...to be honest, I don't know where he comes from! Hard hitting, dirt sucking Warrior Clubber! Always a crowd favorite.

Bob >> That's right Jim! His numbers always seem to be the highest, but his survivability rate is usually somewhere around 5 seconds.

Jim >> And that's tops! But, we'll see what happens. His opponent today, Iceblazek, is sure to have some tricky cards up his sleeves.

Bob >> Always a thinker that one. Planning every and researching any possible way to overcome his foe. And when that doesn't nessicarily work, he's always got gil to drop on a solution. We'll see if it helps him with his opponent today.

Jim >> Match C features what today will be, perhaps our shortest match!

Bob >> Shorter then Clubbers life expentency in End Game?

Jim >> Ok, well maybe not that short...

Bob >> But damn close! Our first Adventurer is a long time Dynamis Veternan and proud--

Jim >> As proud as one can be wearing Purple...

Bob >> And proud owner of a Gungnir...Qtipus! Decked out in his Cuirass, he's actually got a fairly respectable opponent today!

Jim >> Correct you are Bob! Darkdawn! World class multi-classer! The biggest surprise for this match is going to be which job Darkdawn shows up as!

Bob >> And for the final Match of the day, Match D we've got what is being called the Battle of the Sex..iest two men to ever grace Vana'diel's soil!

Jim >> In one corner -- sporting the ever popular, ever respected, heralded and even worshipped, Beard of the Beards -- Arminius!

Bob >> And opposite him, he who needs no introduction...The Ninjafox himself. Just one whisper from that beasts lips and any soul -- man or woman -- melts like a hershies bar on a hot sunday afternoon sidewalk!

Jim >> Speaking of the action! It seems Match A has already started!

Bob >> ...

Jim >> ...

Bob >> And...is already over.

Jim >> Oh! Now that's just embarassing right there. Poor little furball couldn't even take half the beating Izman had in store for her.

Bob >> Apparently not Jim. Iron Will Izman, as he's sometime called, seems to have an Iron Fist behind that shield. All it took was a shield bash to the face and that poor kitten is going to be intensive care for weeks on end!

Jim >> I think perhaps she's given a whole new meaning to the letters L, O and L. Let's hope Match B lasts a bit longer!

Bob >> Speaking of, it seems Iceblazek has shown up Thief to this little exursion! Well, that's an odd choice considering how heavy of a hitter Clubber there is.

Jim >> Well, I don't know now Bob...he hits hard. But it's also pretty slow. I think Iceblazek is going to rely on his agility and evasiveness to come out on top here.

Bob >> And there's Clubber opening up with a meditate, and shouting his signature line, "It's Clubbering Time!"

Jim >> There goes the Steel Cyclone...the moment of truth!

Bob >> And Iceblazek's ninja subjob gives him the edge he needs! That TP was totally waste ---wait! Wait a minute whats this?!

Jim >> Clubber is down!? Iceblazek didn't even need to take a swing!

Bob >> Well, this is quite an interesting discovery...perhaps all those times it wasn't Clubber just pulling hate from hard hits and dying.

Jim >> No, it would seem not Bob. Apparently, he just swings so goddamn hard he tuckers himself right out.

Bob >> Well! Whatever the reason, Iceblazek walks away the victor in this case! Lets move on over to Match C.

Jim >> I just got word Match C is being delayed...apparently Darkdawn hasn't shown up. Qtipus is down in the ring now awaiting the appearance of his opponent.

Bob >> This here Jim, could be both a blessing and a curse. It gives Qtipus the time he needs to gain control over his mental state and think out all possible strategies based on what job Darkdawn brings to the ring...

Jim >> Right you are Bob! But the real question going through his head right now...Gungnir or Valkyries Fork?

Bob >> Meanwhile! We've got Arminius "The Beard" and Ninjafox "Dark Chocolate" taking thier places in Match D right now.

Jim >> Foxy looks pretty intimidated by that beard, Bob.

Bob >> He sure does. It's not an easy thing stepping into the ring with that bush. But, still, Ninjafox does have a look of confidence about him...

Jim >> He's saying something...I...I can't quite make it out, it's more of a whisper...

Bob >> Wait a minute! What have we here! Arminius seems to be struggling with something...oh! No way!

Jim >> His beard seems to be peeling itself off from his face! It's...it's leaving Arminius! The beird is parting with it's host!

Bob >> Ninjafox must've whispered gentle sweet nothings to it...I told you nothing can withstand his sexy voice!

Jim >> Apparently not! Arminius' beard has just attached itself to Ninjafox's face! He's got double the sex appeal now!

Bob >> Seems to me Arminius just can't take it! He's turn his Hagun on himself! Oooh! That's just brutal!

Jim >> This is a first! We've never had a adventurer commit seppuku!

Bob >> Can you blame him Jim? He loses his beard and THEN has to look onto that...incredibly...sexy...motherfucker...

Jim >> Bob! Control yourself!

Bob >> Ah! Sorry there Jim...for a second I got carried away...

Jim >> It's bad enough half the female spectators were just instantly impregnated by Foxy's piercing glare. Keep your lid on!

Bob >> You're right Jim! Let's take a look over at Match C!

Jim >> Mm, Darkdawn is still a no show. It seems our referee's our declaring Qtipus the winner here.

Bob >> Well, sadly, it seems like our viewers are robbed of the main event tonight! As deadly and calculating as Darkdawn is -- he's just as notorious for taking way to long to get dressed!

Jim >> With a wardrobe as extensive as his, you got to cut the guy some slack!

Bob >> Well! That wraps up todays matches! Be sure to tune in next time for Round 2!

Jim >> Match ups will include the mighty Iron Will Izman verse Iceblazek! And Qtipus verse Hot Chocolate himself! Till next time!

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And that's that folks! Hope you enjoyed it! If you did, I'll make this regular thing as I had a lot of fun writing it!